Behind the Firewall: Notes of a Punk CIO

This isn’t innovation. It’s theatre. These are the personas who weaponize buzzwords, overbuild everything, and buy their way into complexity. If you’ve ever wondered why your transformation looks busy but goes nowhere—this is why.

1. The buzzword warrior

Job Grade: Executive Level (Grade 12-13)
Official Job Title: Chief Evangelist
Description: Talks about innovation but struggles with execution.
Catchphrase: “We need to innovate our way out of this.”
Story:
Revenue’s down 20%, morale hits rock bottom. He walks in with a stack of Post-its and says, “Let’s do a quick ideation session and innovate our way out of this.” No one has eaten in hours. He then draws a smiley face on the whiteboard and leaves for a design thinking workshop.

2. The bootcamp messiah

Job Grade: Entry-Level (Grade 1-3)
Official Job Title: IT Intern
Description: Fresh from bootcamp, overconfident, armed with tutorials and dreams, ready to cloud-migrate the whole Universe by Monday. Sees cloud migration easy as walking down the boulevard. Has never touched a production environment, but read a CIO Magazine article once and is fired up.
Catchphrase: “I learned about this in my bootcamp!”
Story:
She volunteers to lead a cloud migration. When asked about experience, she beams: “I learned about this in my bootcamp!” She’s wearing sneakers, a Patagonia vest, and sipping an avocado latte. The lead architect slowly lowers his coffee. The CIO pretends to check his phone. There is no follow-up.

3. The complexity (p)artisan

Job Grade: Senior Specialist (Grade 11-12)
Official Job Title: Solution Architect
Description: Designs overly complex systems and insists they’re “future-proof.”
Catchphrase: “It’s not overengineered; it’s robust and future-proof.”
Story:
He proposes a blockchain-powered timesheet system for HR. When asked why, he says: “It’s not overengineered; it’s robust and future-proof.” HR walks out. He begins drawing a microservices diagram no one asked for.

4. The ceremony addict

Job Grade: Team Lead (Grade 9-10)
Official Job Title: Agile Coach
Description: Loves ceremonies and processes, often at the expense of outcomes.
Catchphrase: “Is this in our backlog?”
Story:
Post-mortem of a client-facing outage. Execs are furious. The team is exhausted. He clears his throat and says: “Let’s start with a quick retrospective—what went well?” Silence. Someone throws a stress ball at the wall. 

5. The unsanctioned solutioneer / The ticking compliance bomb

Job Grade: Unknown (Non-IT Role)
(un)Official Job Title: Mr. Wolf, the problem solver
Description: Runs unapproved IT projects, creating silos and headaches for IT.
Catchphrase: “The problem can’t wait, IT will catch up with us later.”
Story:
He buys a shiny new SaaS tool and uploads client data without telling anyone. When asked about compliance, he says: “IT will catch up with us later.” IT finds out (in better case scenario) when the invoice hits.

6. The vendor addict

Job Grade: Mid-Management (Grade 10-11)
Official Job Title: IT Procurement Manager
Description: Thrives on vendor relationships, delaying projects over contract negotiations spending time on clauses that are theoretical for the next 5 lightyears.
Catchphrase: “Let’s bring in a vendor to explore this further.”
Story:
A senior dev offers to build a lightweight internal tool over the weekend. It’s literally just a “Refresh” button. He interrupts: “We should issue an RFP and involve our strategic partners.” He holds a mug with the vendor’s logo and adds, “They’ve most probably done this for banks already.”

7. The “Cloud Crusader”

Job Grade: Senior Specialist (Grade 10-11)
Official Job Title: Cloud Solutions Architect
Description: Insists on moving everything to the cloud, ignoring costs and challenges.
Catchphrase: “We need to move this to the cloud ASAP.”
Story:
During a backlog grooming session, someone mentions the on-prem file server keeps timing out. Without missing a beat, she says: “We need to move this to the cloud ASAP.” No analysis. No context. Just pure lift-and-shift energy.

⚡ Next up: “The Executive Freak Show” – chaos, compliance, and comedy from the highest-paid personas in the game.

👈 Missed Part 1?
Start with The Everyday IT Circus — where we uncovered the everyday personas that clog progress with PowerPoints, Gantt charts, and risk matrices. It’s the front line of dysfunction. Read it first to meet the blockers you already know too well.